What if Dr Suess wrote the Book of Mormon???

I imagine it would go something like this:

Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this? Why this is Sam
Yes, this is Sam;

Sam: Sam I am

Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am

Sam: In a tent, my father dwelt

Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt

Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack

Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back

Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear

Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here

Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?

Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way

Laman: Here we are in this damp cave

Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave

Nephi: I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think

Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum

Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram

Lemuel: Oh great, another pathetic life form

Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent

Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona

Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives

Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives

Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree
The fruit is white, the fruit is free
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?

Laman, Lemuel, come and see

Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit

Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit

Laman: We will not help you build your boat

Lemuel: We do not think that it will float

Laman: No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote

Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say

Laman: We will not eat it on a tray

Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes you rent

Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam
L & L: We will not eat it, Sam I am

Sam: You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say

Laman: Sam, if you will let us be,
We will try it, you will see

L&L: Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am

Remembering Things

An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things.  Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He: "Sure."

She: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He: "No, I can remember."

She: "Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget."

He: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She: "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

He: "No, I don't need to write it down! I can remember!"

Fuming, he went into the kitchen.  After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Stupid question, excellent answer...Ha Ha Ha Ha

 

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters, was interviewed on the radio recently; his responses to the women inquisitor concerning guns and children is one of the best comeback lines of all time.  FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE:!  We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.  FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

Wasp Spray

I know some of you own GUNS but this is something to think about...---
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn't. I never really thought of it before. I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.

Wasp Spray  -  A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life.

Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School .. For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed..

Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."

Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades.

It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. "That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.

Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life

Did you also know that wasp spray will kill a snake? And a mouse! It will! Good to know, huh? It will also kill a wasp.!!!!

Bear Tragedy

This is a very sad story about a bear.. Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife because they become dependent and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife! The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife. 

  
  
 Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party…. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a black bear in Montana turned Democrat, he's nicknamed Bearack Acorn Obearma. It is believed that he has become a campground organizer.

 

The day Christ was crucified

In the previous 36 hours he has had very little sleep. He has participated in the passover feast, met with his Apostles for the last supper, been to Gethsemane, betrayed, condemned, scourged.  At about 10:00 am he is nailed to the cross.  His time alive on the cross is relatively short as compared to most who have this experience. A lot of men die at the scourging, not to mention the suffering in the Garden-(only a Man who is half God could endure this)  He utters 7 statements in those last hours. In one of these statement he utters the words " My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me" It was at this time his Father's Spirit had left him. He at that utterly desolate and dark moment descended below all things, he literally knew what it was like to be a sinner and have the Spirit leave him, he literally fulfilled prophecy that he would "tread the winepress alone." At about the the ninth hour or Three o'clock it is finished. The Earth shakes. The veil of the temple is rent, exposing the holy inner room. The sun has been hid for the previous 3 hours. On the American Continent, the land is literally torn asunder. The soldiers come to remove the Bodies  before the sun goes down to satisfy the wishes of the religious leaders..The two thieves are still alive. They break their legs with a large hammer sending their bodied into shock to speed up the process. When they come to Christ he is already dead. To be  sure, a soldier takes a spear and thrusts it into Christs heart through the rib cage and makes a gash big enough to put a mans hand thereunto. Water gushes out, the sign of broken heart- fulfillment of prophesy, Even though he is dead, his ministry is riveted in the hearts of the believers..... I am one of those Believers.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST  TOO CUTE. 





A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her 
Husband standing around with a fly swatter  

"What  are you doing?" 
She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" 
He responded.  

"Oh ! Killing any?" 
She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.  




Intrigued,  she inquired.  
"How can you tell them apart?"  


"3 were on a beer can, 
2 were on the phone. ”