The Final Inspection

The Soldier stood and faced God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, Soldier,
How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To My Church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.

As the Soldier waited quietly,

For the judgement of his God.
"Step forward now, you soldier,

You've borne your burdens well,

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell"
~Author Unknown~

Do you know how to catch wild pigs?

You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgot ten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.

That is exactly what he sees happening in America. The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax cuts, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.

One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free lunch and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.
If you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to send this on to your friends.  If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But God help you when the gate slams shut!

HOW TO START A FIGHT

          One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

          The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

          When she asked  me why, I replied,

          "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

          And that's how the fight started.....

          ____________________________ ____


          My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

          I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'

          'No,' she answered. I then said,

          'Is that your final answer?'

          She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

          So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

          And that's when the fight started...

         ________________________________


          I took my wife to a restaurant.

          The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

          "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

          He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

          "Nah, she can order for herself."

          And that's when the fight  started.....

         _______________________________


          My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

          I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

          "Yes", she sighed,

          "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."< br>
          "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

          And then the fight  started...

         ________________________________


          When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I

should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something

more important to me.

Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.

          When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall grass, busily snipping

away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time

and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I

came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

          The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.

         ______________________________


          My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

          She asked, "What's on TV?"

          I said, "Dust."

          And then the fight started...

         ________________________________


          Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would  be bad all day.

          I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is
terrible."

          My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

          And that's how the fight started...

         _______________________________


          My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

          She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

        I bought her a bathroom scale.

          And then the fight started......

         ______________________________


          After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
for Social Security.

          The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

          I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

          The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

          So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

          She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Se curity application.

          When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

          And then the fight started...

         ________________________________


          My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

          She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

          "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

          I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

          And then the fight started........

         ___________________ _____________

What if Dr Suess wrote the Book of Mormon???

I imagine it would go something like this:

Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this? Why this is Sam
Yes, this is Sam;

Sam: Sam I am

Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am

Sam: In a tent, my father dwelt

Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt

Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack

Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back

Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear

Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here

Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?

Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way

Laman: Here we are in this damp cave

Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave

Nephi: I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think

Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum

Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram

Lemuel: Oh great, another pathetic life form

Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent

Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona

Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives

Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives

Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree
The fruit is white, the fruit is free
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?

Laman, Lemuel, come and see

Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit

Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit

Laman: We will not help you build your boat

Lemuel: We do not think that it will float

Laman: No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote

Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say

Laman: We will not eat it on a tray

Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes you rent

Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam
L & L: We will not eat it, Sam I am

Sam: You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say

Laman: Sam, if you will let us be,
We will try it, you will see

L&L: Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am

Remembering Things

An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things.  Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He: "Sure."

She: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He: "No, I can remember."

She: "Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget."

He: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She: "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

He: "No, I don't need to write it down! I can remember!"

Fuming, he went into the kitchen.  After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Stupid question, excellent answer...Ha Ha Ha Ha

 

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters, was interviewed on the radio recently; his responses to the women inquisitor concerning guns and children is one of the best comeback lines of all time.  FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE:!  We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.  FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

Wasp Spray

I know some of you own GUNS but this is something to think about...---
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn't. I never really thought of it before. I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.

Wasp Spray  -  A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life.

Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School .. For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed..

Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."

Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades.

It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. "That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.

Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life

Did you also know that wasp spray will kill a snake? And a mouse! It will! Good to know, huh? It will also kill a wasp.!!!!